The day I met my ex by Bhavik Sarkhedi

I was washing my clothes, forgot to separate the whites, thought how do I handle all this alone, started having a mid life crisis again. You know, the usual. When suddenly my notification went ‘Heyy’ in a sweet girl’s voice that meant I got a text message. Yes that’s my text notification but in my defence this is my only chance of a girl addressing me personally without asking ‘do you I know you?’ and then blocking me.

So, I opened it and alas! It was yet another advertising message telling me to call this number if I want to lose 10 kgs in 10 days. 10 kgs in 10 days imagine! I know most of you would think how stupid this is but let me remind you that India has always been a country of great inventions.

How to be a doctor in 20 days, How to get rid of that monster the society usually calls your husband’s mistress or how to top board exams in 5 days (okay this might be easy if you have political connections). Name it and it’s there. So anyway, being immune to body shaming, such messages do not move me (pun intended). But one part of the message concerned me. “Tired of being single? Lose 10 kgs in 10 days” the whole message read. And immediately I felt personally attacked for being single.

Anything related to being single, even a small mention triggers me and sends my mind into a deeper analysis to discover the greater truth and answer the most important question of my existence ‘Why am I single?’. At times like this, I feel sad and desperate (less than the usual). And therefore I decided to do what every man would want when he feels sad and rejected. No, not that. The second one. I decided to message my ex.

I unlocked my phone and searched for her name ‘Nisha’. “Hey there” my message read. I looked at her display picture and it once again confirmed the law that girls get more beautiful after a breakup (or maybe you just seem to value them more after you have lost them but let’s just go with the former). She sent back “Oh, Hi” in 10 minutes.

“How are you?”

“I am doing good. Wbu?”

“Me too. So, still in Canada?”

“No, actually I was in India for a wedding.”

“Oh, that’s great. How long would you be here?”

“For another 30–40 days probably.”

“Any chance you can give me 2 hours from those 30–40 days?”

“Haha, I guess I can.”

“ So, free this weekend?”

“Only if you promise to visit that restaurant in Old Delhi.”

“Done then.”

And the date was set. I was 90% sure it was a dream and I would wake up to my phone singing “Hey honey it’s time to get up” which is my alarm tone. Again, don’t judge me.

“Do you mind if I bring someone along? You can too. I thought it would be less awkward considering our history.” Her message read.

My dream date was gone. I thought of a friend I could take along but immediately remembered the time Anish and I were on a double date and he said “Did it hurted when you fell from heaven?” And the girl looked at us disgusted. We never got another date. Therefore, trusting the statistics which say that I have never ruined a date (I only got 2 but that doesn’t matter), I decided to go alone. And you know what they say, charm her friend and you might impress her easily.

I decided to lightly flirt with her friend so that she likes me and it gets easier for Nisha to like me again. And with elaborate planning and self help books I was prepared. The day finally came. I dressed in black shirt and blue jeans and put on Nisha’s favourite cologne. I drove to the restaurant and to my surprise Nisha and her friend were already there. Her friend looked so beautiful that for a second I decided to change my plan but my conscience screamed to stick to the current one. Nisha introduced me to her friend called ‘J’ and all three of us shook hands.

“So J, do you live in Delhi?”

“No, I am here for Nisha’s cousin’s wedding. I have heard that if you don’t attend their wedding, they won’t attend yours.” And she winked. Nisha laughed.

“Oh, you are getting married too?”

“Did Nisha not tell you? Nisha and I are getting married in October.”

She slid the wedding card towards me but for a moment I had gone blind.

“Oh Congratulations! I am happy for you.”

“Would you come to the wedding? Please do. We’ll be glad to have you.”

“Actually no, I am joining a weight loss program in October. Lose 10 kgs in 10 days.”