1. Bhavik
  2. Open Micer
  3. Social Media

Loads, Lmao, Stand Up, Sit down, Laugh, Sledge, Load again.

A small poem for those who still loves 90s

Be a child with your parents,

Be a dumbass with your friends,

Be a mature with your colleagues,

Be the combination of all with your partner

Some Miscellaneous before I start my laughably boring ride

Whatsapp= Where ‘Thumbs up’ is the worst

Facebook= Where ‘Thumbs up ‘is used occasionally, frequently and forcefully

Tinder- Where ‘Middle Finger ‘ is used literally after virtual ‘Thumbs up’

Metup= Failed Tinder

Happn=It never happens in India

Paytm ka Almamater= Cashback

Instagram= I want to be with/like Snapchat

Snapchat= I am taken

Twitter= I am committed till 140 characters

Reddit= I am origin of everything on Internet

Quora= I think I am Reddit for Indians

Wikipedia= Sadly, I am turning to be Quora slowly

Tumblr= Who am I? What’s the fuzz?

Pinterst= I am everywhere in Google Images after Imgur

Playstore= Kind of a ‘Free’ store

Itunes= Not so kind and free

FM=I still exist

Calculator= When you can’t add 10+10

*Ladies & Their Not-so-gentlemen, please welcome the next standup comedian, Bhavik Sarkhedi, author of three published but flopped books and an aspiring copywriter unlike Ogilvy.

Hello Beautiful Girls & Just Guys,

I am Bhavik Sarkhedi, I just came here to check if I can make at least a single person laugh because no, my roomies don’t even giggle on my PJs. This is my first open mic ever. So, yes, I am scared and there’s definitely going to be a shit of load on you, so bear & spare me.

All the Grammar Nazis,

Kindly ignore your ego to rectify my auxiliary verbs, abstract nouns and any weird adjectives that I tried to fit into the conversation when you aren’t laughing. Please.

And needless to say, this work is purely fictional and I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but I may 😀

It’s because ‘meri feelings bhi hurt hui hein’.

I remember the time when I anchored a college function (I shouldn’t), I spoke, “Rangeela, mane maro dhol” instead of “ Rangelo maro dhol”.

Arrrrrr Arrrrrrr

What would have struck my mind at that time?

Temperature is below 30 degrees, Ye plane ab udega

Journey Title= Orkut se Snapchat Tak.

That mediocre guy is like “Dono nahi pata” Don’t worry bro, Instagram ayega bichme

So, it all started when I found my match, not a tinder, but a room match, I am his soul mate because he is single, he is genius. I call him ‘G spot’.

It’s hard to find him too.

Recently, I was updating my facebook profile and he said:Bhai, duniya reddit pe hein and you are still on FB. I don’t use FB blah.

This guy ruined my life with his singleness. The vibes were so strong that he made me single too. I was so happy and contended with Facebook and he advised me to try Twitter.

You know my mother had made a matrimonial resume too.

Engineer, Skills: Facebook Photography, 100 likes guaranteed, speculates a rise of 300 percent hike if gets a wife.

Ruined. Verified.

I tried but couldn’t get any number of 3 figures of followers in Twitter.

It’s so tough to get ‘Unpaid’ and ‘Unpadh’ followers, man.

In facebook, you can write shit: You can write an essay because nobody gives a damn about you in real life.

In Twitter, I felt more lonely and insecure. I can’t expres myself. So, I would start with (in order to fit in 140 characters), “Girl, I saw you in pink, I blinked,..Can we have sex please, please? I will pay return fare too.”

Transition was difficult “Photographer” se “Writer”

I told my mother to edit my resume too.

Edit: Requires only 140 characters to reach sexting.

Just when I learned Twitter, Facebook found his love ‘Instagram’.

What the hell? ‘Ab toh mein Writer Hun, na ma? Fir se Photographer ban jau?

It’s so a feminist social network. I failed in that too.

Then my friend came “Bhai, Snapchat daala, Snapchat daala?” I was furious.

I said, “Out of so many important things to daal, you always asks me for something I am devoid of. I feel impotent.”

I tell you, I can never ever Snapchat, It’s a nightmare app. So, I thought I would better switch to Orkut but then I knew it was shut down. Now, I only had one option.

PORN

Tell me, what’s one of the common things in lick, dick, suck and fuck? It’s the CK

Calvin Klein.

I saw the quote on one of my virgin friend’s mobile cover, “68. You owe me one.”

What? What?

I couldn’t resist but told him “Dude, 69 is ulta sex. When was the last time you had siddha sex?”

He said, I am single and I need no love.

I was like “Bhai, Tu gaali me bhi love boldeta hein. You don’t say lode, you have always said love de.”

Okay, we are talking about porn and I must say that it’s funny sometimes when there is a foreplay in the foreplay.

The hero- The accountant, the robber, banker, plumber, pizza guy, the president

Anybody except a normal homo sapien finds the toughest way to enter into the house of a hot woman,

The opened front door.

The lady, for some reason, I don’t know and I wouldn’t even try to figure out why the woman is cooking naked.

Then somehow after they talk and when he does something, she says, ‘No, you can’t do this to me. It’s wrong.’

Okay, wait. So, cooking naked with the door open was right?

I be like “Let him do his job, you do some blowjob and so that I can finish my climax job.”

Dekho she is saying, “Na na” and I am feeling they are bargaining.

It’s like the hero said, “Sirf ek kiss & anal, baal bandhlo, bun banalo aur man manalo”

And when she says, “No”

I with one hand controlled and could raise just one hand said, “

Give him love, behen ki love di. He licks, you suck, and that is how you will be fucked.

PORN= We write it right


Originally published at www.bhaviksarkhedi.com on August 25, 2017.

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